Transcript of ‘The Sevenfold Crown’

[Gheblakon’s palace]

GHEBLAKON 

You are most welcome, ah, Commissioner Sleer. You —, ah, your, your companions.

SERVALAN 

Lieutenant Vledka — Officer Gradzil of the Security Service.

VLEDKA 

[clicks heels] Your majesty.

GRADZIL 

[clicks heels — grunts]

SERVALAN 

I must apologise, your majesty, for descending on you unannounced in such an impolite manner, but you must underst— that it is a matter of Federation security at the highest level. This is why I have brought two armed officers to the palace. Please forgive me if I trespass on your royal prerogative.

GHEBLAKON 

Anything I can do to help the Federation, Commissioner.

SERVALAN 

Thank you, sir. A classified document has gone missing. I have reason to believe that those who took it have made their way to Torella. I can say no more than that.

FL—AR 

Can you tell us who they are?

SERVALAN 

Outlaws. Rebels, pirates—

GHEBLAKON 

Pirates! Ah!

FL—AR 

[clears his throat] Your majesty.

GHEBLAKON 

Er, um, that’s shocking! Shocking!

SERVALAN 

I have their likenesses here. [three beeps as the pictures are displayed]

GHEBLAKON 

Hmm. Villainous looking bunch. Couple of juicy jampuffs though. Wait a moment! Fl—ar? That’s Prince L—ros, isn’t it?

FL—AR 

An undoubted similarity, sir.

GHEBLAKON 

Turned to piracy! Hah! Chip off the old block!

SERVALAN 

Let me see. [two beeps] That, sir, is a man named Tarrant, a renegade officer of the Federation Space Fleet. Are you saying that he is here?

GHEBLAKON 

Thought he was a bit too beautiful to be Bratfis’s boy. Face like a squashed frog, old Bratfis. — that one?

SERVALAN 

Avon. The worst of the lot. They are here? In the palace?

GHEBLAKON 

Fl—ar?

FL—AR 

Sah!

GHEBLAKON 

Nip along — find out which suite the ah, the chamberlain’s put the prince in. Terrible thing if they got away.

FL—AR 

[leaving] Yes, sir. Terrible, sir.

GHEBLAKON 

Your lads could spend weeks searching the palace — lose yourselves into the bargain, I shouldn’t wonder. I-I remember on one occasion, er er—

SERVALAN 

Thank you for your help, sir. Come. [leaves]

GHEBLAKON 

Help? Ah, yes...What, er, where are you going? [door slams] Ah.

[outside the jewel chamber]

AVON 

As soon as Dayna comes through, we’ll join the queue for the jewel chamber.

SOOLIN 

Right.

AVON 

I’ll tell Dayna to st— by for the word from you, Vila, as soon as you’ve got the diadem, to take us all up.

VILA 

Me first.

AVON 

Of course.

[Avon’s bracelet chimes]

DAYNA 

Come in, Avon. Do you copy? Do you copy?

AVON 

[to the others] Get on with it. I’ll join you.

SOOLIN 

Right.

VILA 

Right.

AVON 

[to Dayna] I copy.

DAYNA 

Slave’s gone through the teleport circuits — can’t find anything wrong. He thinks it was just a blip, a temporary bug.

AVON 

Some blip if it str—s us down here. Wait till Vila gives the word, then take us up fast. Vila first. Got it?

DAYNA 

Got it. Fingers crossed. Out.

[Avon’s bracelet chimes twice (off, then on)]

TARRANT 

Come in, please.

AVON 

I copy. This had better be important, Tarrant.

TARRANT 

What’s going on? How much longer have I got to hang around?

AVON 

Oh for... Dayna’s st—ing by to take us all up. Now get off the air!

[Guest quarters in Gheblakon’s palace]

TARRANT 

All right, all right, I can take a hint. Out.

[he closes bracelet comms; the door opens]

FL—AR 

Sir, sir!

TARRANT 

What is it?

FL—AR 

I’ve come to warn you, Mr Tarrant.

TARRANT 

You know who I am?

FL—AR 

Yes, sir, — so does Commissioner Sleer. The king’s keeping her talking while I—

SERVALAN 

Keep him covered. Thank you, Captain Fl—ar. How lucky that you were able to find him so quickly.

[Tarrant leaps to his feet]

VLEDKA 

Stay where you are, sit down, — put your h—s flat on the table. Move!

TARRANT 

All right.

SERVALAN 

There’s a good boy. But where is Avon? Captain Fl—ar?

FL—AR 

I, uh...

SERVALAN 

Never mind. Please convey the good news to his majesty, — tell him what a help you’ve been. Off you go.

FL—AR 

Yes, commissioner, of course.

SERVALAN 

— close the door. [he does] You should choose your friends more carefully. King Gheblakon is a very poor dissembler.

TARRANT 

If you’re going to kill me, get on with it.

SERVALAN 

I’m afraid I shall have to defer that pleasure, my dear Tarrant. I repeat: where is Avon? — the rest? Have they got the diadem?

TARRANT 

If you can read my mind, you must know the answers.

SERVALAN 

Why do you think I need the diadem? This stone gives me nothing but a...tantalising glimpse. For example, I can see that you really are terrified that I might order my friends to shoot you. — yet you hide it admirably. Answer my question.

TARRANT 

— then what? As long as I keep quiet, I keep breathing.

SERVALAN 

You’re more brave than I thought. Vledka. Would you like to find out precisely how brave this gentleman is?

VLEDKA 

With pleasure, madam. Now then, sir. Why don’t you answer the commissioner’s questions, — save yourself a lot of unpleasantness?

TARRANT 

Go on then. Hit me.

VLEDKA 

You underestimate me, sir. Gradzil?

GRADZIL 

[grunts]

VLEDKA 

Tie him to the chair.

GRADZIL 

[grunts — complies]

SERVALAN 

Ooh, I’m looking forward to this.

TARRANT 

[gasps in pain]

[The jewel chamber]

ATTENDANT 

...seven...eight...nine. That’s the lot. [cries of outrage] You’ll all get yer chance. [he shuts the door]

ATTENDANT 

Ooh, no sir, no sir, st— back!

VILA 

Oh! Sorry!

ATTENDANT 

Look, you’re only allowed up to the diadem showcase one at a time, see? More than my job’s worth. Right, madam. You’re first, — you’ll be next.

VILA 

Thanks.

SOOLIN 

Isn’t it rather hot in here?

AVON 

It certainly is. Can’t you turn the heat down a bit?

ATTENDANT 

Kept at a constant temperature. Dust-free atmosphere an’ all. If you’d bought the guide, you’d’a known that.

AVON 

Twenty trids for a couple of pages? Daylight robbery.

[Scorpio]

DAYNA 

Come on, come on.

SLAVE 

Forgive me, mistress.

DAYNA 

What is it, Slave?

SLAVE 

I could be entirely wrong, but it may be inadvisable to keep the teleport channel open.

DAYNA 

Why?

SLAVE 

There appears to be a small but significant diminution of the bio-energy store. It would seem to be connected to the overload circuit. I know that my opinion is worth very little, but it might be safer to switch off.

DAYNA 

We have no choice. Leave it as it is.

SLAVE 

Yes, mistress. I’m sure you know best.

[bracelet comms chime]

DAYNA 

I copy, Tarrant. Come in.

TARRANT 

[gasps in pain] For God’s sake, Dayna, aaaaugh!

DAYNA 

I’m bringing you up!

TARRANT 

Aaaaaugh!

[he teleports]

DAYNA 

My God, what have they been doing to you?

[The jewel chamber]

ATTENDANT 

Next!

VILA 

About time too!

SOOLIN 

It really is close in here.

ATTENDANT 

There’s nothing I can do about it, madam.

AVON 

D’you get many visitors?

ATTENDANT 

Oh, in the season. Queuing ’alf-way to the royal gibbet. More than ’alf a million over the years. It’s all in the guide.

SOOLIN 

Oh-oh-oh. [she falls to the floor]

VILA 

Hey! She’s fainted!

AVON 

It’s the heat. I told you it was too hot—

ATTENDANT 

All tight, all right, st— back. St— back!

VILA 

Give her some air.

ATTENDANT 

Leave it to me. We’re trained in this sort of thing.

SOOLIN 

Oh...what...

AVON 

Now, then.

SOOLIN 

Oh, what’s happening?

ATTENDANT 

No no no, try to get up. You have to keep the blood flowing to the cerebral tissue.

AVON 

[to Vila] Get in there!

ATTENDANT 

That’s what they call the brain, you see. You have to learn, you see.

VILA 

Ahh!

SOOLIN 

I suddenly felt so hot.

MAN 

It’s a disgrace, the power...

VILA 

Got it!

ATTENDANT 

Well, it’s not my fault, is it? I mean, fair’s fair.

VILA 

Right, Dayna. It’s all yours. [the teleport starts to operate, but cuts in — out] I say again, take me up! [Dayna tries again] Dayna!

[the door opens]

GUARD 

You! Stay where you are!

VILA 

Oh, no!

GUARD 

Is that the man?

WEMPIN 

Yeah... Yes, it is.

VILA 

Wempin!

WEMPIN 

I’m sorry, I...I didn’t get away in time.

VILA 

No need to snatch. I mean, suppose I just put it back? [the guard hits him] Ooh...oh. All right, all right, I’ll come quiet. [he is hit again] Ow! There’s no need for that.

WEMPIN 

I’m sorry. They were going to hang me.

VILA 

Now, there’s a thought.

SOOLIN 

[quietly] Now what?

AVON 

Into the street. Get lost in the crowd.

[Gheblakon’s palace]

SERVALAN 

Yes! Hang him. — the sooner the better.

VILA 

Now look, couldn’t we discuss this?

GHEBLAKON 

Well, we’ll have to send out the criers, to get the crowds in. We’ll stretch his neck at sunset, hey? Sorry to keep you waiting, lad.

VILA 

I can bear it.

GHEBLAKON 

It was a brave try. You’ve earned yourself a right royal send-off, boy. We’ll light you on your way with torches, — bonfires. Fireworks too, —, — drums—

VILA 

I used to be a dab h— at the drums.

GHEBLAKON 

Oh, eh?

VILA 

In the Federation pen on Skleg, we had a group going which was as good as—